My ChaChi Chase

I was feeling bad the other day because I noticed that I wasn’t posting as many pictures of Chase.  Or maybe I’ve been feeling guilty for how much I’m enjoying Ree and cussing Chase not to smother her.  At any rate, I noticed that he’s starting to look more “different” in his pictures. It was harder to tell that he was different when he was younger, but he has a hard time controlling his lips and mouth.  I usually try to only post pics of him in which I think he looks “normal”, but as he gets older, it is getting harder and harder to get those shots. (then again, it may just be the desperate need of a haircut and eventual braces!!) Now you may think this sounds terrible, but I assure you it’s only because I want him to be seen in the “best light”.  No one loves that boy more than I do and I guess I haven’t wanted to do him any disservice with my pictures.  I actually tear up just thinking about it.  He holds a special part of my heart. I had a whole post planned out the day I took this picture because I wanted to remember the moment forever with my special little boy, but it may be harder than I thought.

Here goes.

I was already feeling tender about Chase because the afternoon before, we had his cousins over.  Chase loves his cousins.  He talks about them all of the time. He doesn’t like school because none of his cousins are there.  When they come over, I usually make (they are really good about it) them and Hayes stick around for 15 or 20 minutes where Chase can play with them before I let them head off on their adventures.  This particular day, Hayes and the boys had taken Chase on rides in the jeep and also on the four wheeler before they headed down to the barn where Chase can’t go (it’s a third or half mile walk). About then, Chase’s speech therapist came anyway to do therapy.  I didn’t realize it, but the boys left and then came back again about the time therapy was over.  When it was over, Chase escaped from his stool and must have headed outside.  Right about that same time, the boys decided to run back down to the barn.  I was visiting with the therapist for a few minutes before she left.  As we walked outside to her car, I heard Chase crying quietly and saying help.  I scanned around the house and couldn’t see him.  I could tell it was coming from across the road some where.  I could hear him, but I couldn’t see him.  We have a huge bramble/thorn patch right across the driveway and my heart dropped when I thought maybe he had fallen down in there and somehow was lying in them and couldn’t get up.  I was yelling his name and could hear him crying.  Finally the therapist spotted him down the road about 100 yds where he had fallen and tumbled in the weeds and couldn’t get up.  I ran as fast as I could to him…with the baby on my hip.  He was covered in little stickers and was just bawling.  I felt so bad. He had tried to follow the boys down to the barn.   As we trudged back up to the house, I was able to console him by telling him we would drive down to the barn and find them.  I just pulled off his sticker-covered clothes and threw him in the truck.  Once we got down to the barn,  the cousins had been picked up and went home, but Chase was happy to go into Spence’s tack shed and rummage through the fridge and hang out on the couch with a rootbeer. 

Well, the next day, Chase was having a hard morning.  He really didn’t want to go to school.  He cried when I got him dressed and he cried when I combed his hair.  I’ve noticed that if I can get him to go out to the porch swing with me and read his letter books while we wait for the bus, he doesn’t resist getting on as much when it pulls up.  If I wait until the bus is here and then try to get him to go out from inside the house he starts complaining and making me force/drag him out.  So we’ve gotten in the habit of going out to the swing 20 or so minutes before it’s time.  I’m not sure what I’ll do as it gets colder.

When we got out to the swing, Chase wasn’t feeling very happy.  He was sort of crying about not wanting to go to school and then he had a few little seizures.  I could tell that he really wasn’t doing so hot.  So I pulled him close to me on the swing and he laid his head on my chest.  After only a few swings I could tell that he was starting to fall asleep.  As his little body gave a few jerks (not sure if they were seizures or just those drifting off to sleep jerks) he was finally still in my arms.  You know that feeling of love you have for your kids when you see them asleep?  When they are quiet and cute and peaceful and not yelling or running or making messes.  Well, times that by ten for Chase, because not only is he not making messes, but his body was at peace…which isn’t the case a lot of the time.  Sometimes it seems like his body is at war with itself.  As I swung him, I tried to memorize the scene.  I was wishing I could take a picture of us, but since I couldn’t, I decided to write it down.  His head was on my chest, his cheek was cupped in my hand and my chin was resting on his head.  His right hand was in his pocket (so cute) and his left leg was draped over mine.  I could have stayed like that forever.  I have a lot of reservations about Chase growing up.  I started to think…I can’t wake this little boy up and drag him on the bus today.  How can I send him out in this world? I really think that if the bus had come right at that moment I would have just waved them on.  We rocked for about five minutes and then as quickly as he had fallen asleep, he popped up like he’d been awake the whole time.  Our moment was over, but I ran to get the camera so that I could remember him that day.

By the time I got back he had pulled the cat onto the swing with him and was forcefully keeping him there.  What a good cat! Most animals that can run from Chase do, but not this cat.  He lets Chase tote him around.  He has let Chase shut him in the toy box, the bathroom, and the grill…unlit of course! I actually really appreciate the cat.  I appreciate all of the animals, friends, family, kids, acquaintances, and strangers whom are kind to Chase.  He means the world to me.